The Radius

Ah, the radius.

After a brief slip-up, blip on the radar, re-visit to the ER (whatever you want to call it, semantics shmemantics) I am back on track to run the Boston Marathon in 2023. This time around I'll wait it out a little before sending out my appeal.

The good news is, I've graduated from a half block walking radius from my house, which barely gets me to the ice cream store, to a block, which get me to the grocery store! The bad news is, I can't buy anything at the grocery store because a single grape would be too much for me to carry on the way home, and so I just eat ice cream. Aaaand the lack of walking and ice cream binge are coinciding nicely with bather season. Can't wait.

I am alive and well though, and have re-read every John Grisham book before he got sappy. I'm still holding my breath for international fame once they figure out what I am. I mean what I have. So far it's looking like Periodic Paralysis is still off the table. And the 'we'll wait until it happens again and hope we can figure it out then' approach is still in full effect. Again, can't wait.

Have I mentioned I'm a real catch?

The truth comes out...

All jokes aside, I actually don't have GBS, although it is very convenient and sounds pretty hardcore. I am a medical enigma. "Not typical", as the doctors chose to tell me during my most recent stay chez l'hopital. Who wants to be typical anyway? I'm gunning for 'Madison Disorder', as 'Atkins Disorder' conjures some unpleasant connections to the Diet, and we wouldn't want that.

My fingers are crossed (I can briefly actually do it now! Sometimes they get stuck though...) that I get all kinds of notoriety: Scientific Papers, movie scripts (Girl in the Plastic Bubble, starring Scarlett Johansson...what, did you think I was going to pick Meryl Streep?), Oprah interviews. I'll be the new OctoMom. I'd take those eight babies down in the human interest category for sure.

Quite possibly my favorite moment in the hospital (there are so many to choose from, it was a tough decision) was on the day of my discharge. Ever the curious little girl, I decided to ask the neurology team once again whether there was any diagnosis. As exciting as 'unexplained quadriparesis' is in the discharge summary, it was only cool the first time and is now a little stale. Also, 'Girl with Unexplained Quadriparesis' doesn't have quite the blockbuster potential, and I'd probably have to settle for Lindsay Lohan in the title role. Bummer.

They started listing the things it isn't, which includes pretty much everything they've ever seen, and it sounded a little like this:

"Well, we know it isn't GBS, it's nothing life-threatening (that's what they think, they obviously have never been stuck in the house alone for months on end), it's not periodic paralysis, it's not..."

Whoa whoa whoa...I'm sorry, did I just hear Periodic Paralysis? And I do NOT have it? What are the criteria for this so-called disease? It better not be "becoming paralyzed on a periodic basis" or else I'm suing for bad doctoring. So, I did a little Wikipediaing, and this is what I found:

Periodic paralysis is a group of rare genetic diseases that lead to weakness or paralysis (rarely death) from common triggers such as cold, heat, high carbohydrate meals, not eating, stress or excitement and physical activity of any kind.

1. I love that 'rarely death' only warrants a parenthetical reference.
2. I often get really excited while eating high carbohydrate meals on a long run carrying weights to try to get rid of a cold. I call shenanigans.

In the end, I decided Madison Disorder would be way cooler, and that perhaps, just maybe, the doctors at one of the leading neurological hospitals in the country know what they're talking about. I am 'not typical', and that's all there is to it.

I prefer 'special', but I'll let it slide as I don't think 'special' appears in the Unabridged Medical Dictionary for Neurological Stuff.

Love love love to all,

Madison Disorder

a touch of the GeeBS

Now that Easter is over, I figure it's only appropriate to give the GeeBuS jokes a break. That being said, I have a very clever (ahem cough cough) brother who keeps things interesting with 'a touch of the GeeBS' and 'My sister, the popsicle'. Ah, the joys of siblingdom.

The good news is, I'm actually writing this blog! The bad news is, Paul Brower, Certified Midwife (shout out to Megs with that one), is out a very lucrative job. I may let him transcribe every now and then just to make him feel useful.

Lessons I've learned from popsicledom:

• Try not to get popsicle-ized

All I Really Need to Know I Learned While Paralyzed:

• If concerned about possible popsicledom, do not move into a third-floor apartment, no matter how quaint. Elevators were invented for a reason.
  
• Do not, under any circumstances, take a short walk around the block. It's never short, and it ends up in a crawl.
• Always wear clean underwear, you never know when you'll collapse on the floor of your room and need to be carried to the ER.
• Beds are meant to be slept in. A lot. Like at least 14 hours a day. Couches are also meant to be slept on. Sitting is for fools.
• Blogging is really tiring. Who knew?

xoxo Mad

i am busting out of this joint

I am free! Although I did leave the hospital in slippy socks and double hospital bracelets. And security tried to chase me down.

I am going to try and convince my neighbors to put a couch on every floor so I can take breaks on every flight on my way up to my apartment. Other than that, business as usual but a whole lot slower. And I often look like I'm drunk. I'm bringing back the bob and weave.

Thank you to everyone for their kind wishes, visits, and good energy. And a special thanks to Nurse Patience. Check back for future updates.

Lots of Love,
Madison

Dictated by Madison Atkins, transcribed by Paul A. Brower, CPA.

pardon my french / happy easter

You'll have to excuse my potty mouth in my previous posts. I was not very lady like at all. Over-emotional and way over-medicated...once again, just say no to narcotics.

On a brighter note, I brushed my own teeth this morning and no longer have a giant dreadlock. Fingers crossed (you'll all have to do it for me), I'll bust out of this place soon. Happy Easter to everyone.

loikjunbt mdhyujijb (love Madison)

Dictated by Madison Atkins and transcribed by Lt. Paul Brower.

ps

to everyone who donated to my half-marathon... no refunds.

Captains Log, stardate 20090411

Recap of the week:

Admitted on Monday afternoon after having chest pain and tingly limbs, followed by collapsing on the floor of my room. Paul gallantly drove me to the hospital in his Hyundai Elantra. (It was sooooo..... (eye roll) comfortable).

The ER was a touch busy so I spent the night in the trauma unit. The neurology team was very thorough and actually treated me like a person which was a refreshing change. Got a catheter put in (kinda). First try was a miss, peed the bed. A lot. Second try was a keeper.

Tuesday afternoon I ventured up to the neurology floor. Panoramic views of Beacon Hill which everyone told me were lovely but I could see not at all, due to the minor issue of not being able to move my head or neck. Everyone took really good care of me, minus Nurse Patience, who tried to smother me (and not with love). After yanking my hair out and telling me that if I didn't try I would never get better (she should be a motivational speaker), she then asked if I was Catholic. When I responded no, she said, "Oh, Jewish," snickered, and proceeded to sing a Catholic Hymn while smothering/naked washing me.

That lovely little episode earned me a trip to the ICU. Apparently being smothered is not conducive to getting better...or breathing with a tube stuck down your throat. The fluid accumulating in my lungs certainly didn't help matters.

Luckily, my ICU neurology team was led by Hollywood's Jeff Daniels. Seriously. They did poke me a minimum of 25 times in an attempt to get arterial blood. I don't know if you have ever had arterial blood taken but take it from me: don't try this at home kids. Let's just say BLOOD EVERYWHERE. And the doctor was wearing a welder's mask.

Now on Saturday, April 11, I am semi mobile and have learned a valuable lesson about narcotics: don't do drugs.  Nausea greatly overwhelms induced loopiness. 

Dictated by Madison Atkins, transcribed by Paul Brower, DDS.